ridicully | Entries tagged with whinewhinewhine

I think I should make this update now, because I have a feeling that as soon as I go back to work, the whole point of it might dissapear.

The last few days I've been amazed that I felt ... content with my lot in life. Mellow. Generally good.
I've worked my shift on Good Friday without ripping anyone's head of. I haven't thought about becoming a hermit for over a week. I'm still crushing a bit on the Stupid Crush, but accept it and deal with it and don't see it as the end of the world. I still have no clue what I'm going to do in five months time, but I'm not panicking, but thinking whatever happens, I'm just going to roll with the punches.

And that's not some strange new kind of behaviour, it's how I used to behave and feel all the time.

Given the fact that I've been grumpy and whiny and generally pissed off constantly for a couple of months now, I don't think that this is caused by anything hormonal. I rather think it's the clinic. Thinking back, I've barely been away from there for the occasional two day weekend at the most since last summer.
The last two weeks I've been only there seven times and only four of them for longer than two hours. Instead I've been home and working on my diss, which hasn't fazed me unexpectedly much (it's a diss, making me want to tear my hair out is a requirement).
I think this was really healthy.

I love my work and I love my colleagues, but the atmosphere at the clinic is close to toxic.

And now I'll have to go back there. Ave Caesar, mori turi te salutant I guess.
But I'm going to try and hold on to this contentment as long as possible. There has to be a way to do that. After all, my role in life is being the sensible one, not the drama queen.

Mood content

I don't think it is a good sign when re-reading my own LJ makes me fear for my own sanity. I really don't need a nervous breakdown in addition to my social incompetence playing up again.

Plan of action for the next week:

Stop just *talking* about getting to the gym, go there and sign up. You need the exercise.
Treat the Stupid Crush consistently like a normal person. It's not the poor guy's fault you're a hormonal basket case
Start calling the owners for the Fentanyl-study-thingy. You won't get out of it, so you better get it over with.
Continue with the chipping away at the continuous projects (schools, translation, tagging/adding/organizing books and photos.
Do not think too much about your job, your plans for the future, your love-life or anything at all. Sometimes denial and living on autopilot can be good things.

Get a grip on yourself and stop being such a wuss woman!

Mood discontent

I have a cold. Why do I always have a cold during my surgery weeks?

A face-mask and a running nose don't make for a happy combination.

Mood still-caffeinated

The downside of a more active social life than usual (meaning, more active than that of the common woodlouse) is being able to make more of a fool of oneself than usual. Not to say that I normally don't make a fool of myself on a regular basis, but I think I simply shouldn't be allowed to talk about anything but the weather after two or three in the morning,
Sometimes I wish I were able to blame alcohol, but as I don't drink, it's all my own doing.

Luckily I know mostly pretty polite people who just ignore my stupidity as just one of the things uniquely Alex (well, most of the time. When they're not teasing me about it at least)
Still. They shouldn't have to.

Oh well, nothing but cathartic bitching on LJ to be done about it, I know, which I've done now.
Now back to actually trying to get work done.

(P.S. I'm also caught up with my flist for the first time since ... October or so. If I'd devote as much time to my diss as I do to my silly little hobbies, I'd be nearly done by now I think. What good is an OCD when it fixates on the wrong things?)

Mood caffeinated

This is an entry about the Stupid Crush. Woe is me. This means there's nothing but self-indulgent whining ahead.
( Don't click on the cut and then say I didn't warn you. )

No, I don't deal well with stuff like that, why do you ask? Hopefully, now that I've ranted about it here, I'll be able to deal with it in RL for a bit longer and keep my whining here to a minimum.

Mood grumpy
Music Regina Spektor - On The Radio

Still no Internet. Or phone. And, thanks to my notebook dying on me as well about two weeks ago, no using the wireless at work or at a café to have a short look at the flist either.
Some days I hate the world quite a lot .

Otherwise, things are pretty much as they always are with me these days, I'm

working on the Diss (another thing that's not easy to do without internet)
slaving away and complaining about it at work
crushing on the Stupid Crush and berating myself for it
distracting myself from the fact that I'm still at work at nearly midnight though my shift ended four hours ago, by coming up with new gerunds

And just when I wanted to post this entry, LJ decided to stop working yesterday. Clearly, Murphy was an optimist

I love my family. I even love having my family over for a visit. I just love it a lot more if I don't have to share a 20m² room with them while they are staying here. (Ok my mother and father actually stayed in a Hotel. But they hung around here.)
I also could do without having to spend about 75% of their visit in the clinic, being bitten *again* - this time in the hand -and not having had a weekend off in the last month before their visit.
Also high on the list of stuff I could do without is my mother telling me I remind her of a colleague of hers, shortly before her nervous breakdown, getting a hole bitten in my hand while on call for surgery with the backup person on holiday and my families usual game of out-stubborning each other when I just want to sleep.

No, I'm not stressed. I'm ... busy. At least that's what I'm pretending.
And no, I'm not even close to a nervous breakdown. I just could really, really do with a weekend just for myself.

Mood stressed
Location Berlin, Steglitz

My life right now feels like juggling. Not the kind of juggling when you've practiced enough to know what you're doing and the balls (or clubs or torches) are just falling exactly the way you want them to, you know where they are going to come down and you catch them easily, but the way you start out. Struggling to catch every measly ball befor it goes too far down for you to reach it, requiring more exertion, more uncontrolled movement, it looks silly and you never feel in control.

Regular work, the emergency shifts, my dissertation and the tests I need to run for it, finding a new flat, my flist, the Stupid Crush (it's gained capital letters of woe, because OMG how old am I body, 14?) that's blocking brain cells I desperately need (I need to be carful about mentioning that anyway, I get enough teasing without trimethoprim quoting something I said here.), schools, translation, visiting friends, the website I've promised people at work I'd get working soon, visiting family, J.'s boything moving in, articles for our journal clubs,...
And that's before the new seasons start on tv.

It's not that I'm unhappy, there's just so much happening that I'd quite like to stop time for a few days to work on everything I need and want to get done.

Mood busy

One thing that really fuels my misanthropic side is a drive down to my parents.

Theoretically that's a 3:30-4 hours drive. Today it took me nearly 10 hours. I'm ready to kill someone.

Ok, so the first blocked motorway was a freak accident. It took only a 1.5 hours anyway.

And the fact that it snowed more today than on any other day in the last 25 years in this area is impressive and all. But that doesn't mean people have to drive at walking speed on the fast lane of the motorway.

People shouldn't be allowed to drive.
Especially those that do not know how wide their car is and insisting on blocking the left lane in construction sites because of it.
Or those that can't start up again once there's a bit of ice. In most cases (e.g. on the motorway or in front of a traffic light) you can deal with it by playing a bit with the clutch. If you can't, at least block the road in front of someone else.
If you insist on going at a snails pace just because there is snow you'd better stay home as well.
The same goes for ice. As long as you just go in a straight line, driving faster than 5 km/h won't kill you. You just have to plan for a much larger distance if you want to break.
Incidentally, that grinding noise? It's the ABS. It's a good thing. Even though it increases the braking distance. It doesn't mean you should step of the break once you hear it.
If you're driving a huge BMW X5, why aren't you driving in the snow, flattening it and clearing the way for those who come after you? That would be an actual justification for driving that thing. Look, I'm doing it for fun and my car isn't especially suited to it.

Yes, driving is serious business.
I can hardly feel my left leg after today and am tired, what else could it be right now but serious business?

Mood grumpy

It's kind of pathetic, that watching Grey's Anatomy lifted my mood as much as it did.
But the show, especially in the first few episodes, shows what I love to do. Not the saving people thing or the oh-so-dramatic personal problems, but the working endless shifts, getting no sleep, being woken up in the middle of the night and having to work right away thing.

It's part of the reason I decided to do what I do (the fact that I don't like people and there's at least a small chance of having less to do with them as a vet is what stopped me from going for human medicine. That, and I hate to be told "Oh, you're following in your mother's footsteps?").
It's what I helped with last summer. And no matter how much I may complain about losing sleep, I simply love it.
It's why I have a list of the requirements and applications dates of all the teaching hospitals in four countries that take interns on my desk.
I'm the most happy when I'm stressed out and tired.

It's definitely pathetic to need a tv show to remind me, but after half a year of carcasses, EU regulations, HACCP programs and veterinary public health I need to tell myself that there are practical things I can do. Nothing better for that as seeing people do it on the tv. Shouting "I know how to do that" at the screen isn't the most ~~sane~~ ~~mature~~ normal thing to do, but it's good for my ego.

Dear self, no matter how much you flail while doing so, you can run the anaesthesia from pre-op-check until the patient is biting again for routine surgeries. You can neuter cats and dogs (even while panicking about it) (ok, maybe not female dogs. But the rest) . You did assist in spinal surgeries and held a beating heart in your hand. You're not completely useless - even though you haven't done anything practical since last August.

Once I finally finish these exams, I will find a way to do something with this not-completely-uselessness, even if it's only on the weekends.
By the way, latest pipe dream on the dissertation front: Regulators of OMG-I-must-be-crazy E.colis
Doesn't that sound exiting?

And now for something completely different:

The results of this poll make the anal part of my brain freak out. How can you read your flist top to bottom? It's not chronological. That's just wrong!
(Please nobody answer that question. I'm still not over the shock of knowing infidels who top-reply to emails. I'll sleep better if I can forget what kind of perverted acts of flist-reading happen on LJ.)

Mood indescribable

Ok, that's three exams to retake. Meat-hygiene, milk-hygiene and food-hygiene. I sense some sort of pattern here.

Oh well, resits start in less than ten days and I have still no idea what I'm going to do once I'm finished, so it's not as if it's a huge drama.
The no-idea-what-to-do part probably is one of the main reasons for these results. Beside the fact that I just can't bring myself to care very much about the subjects, which results in my ignoring the books for most of the day, having no real aim for the future tends to crush any desire for studying I might develop.

Hmmm. I could also try to blame the weather. It's depressing and gray and right now wet. And it promises to go back to depressing and gray and cold. Yes, lets blame the weather.

I need to make a coherent post to sort my thoughts about the future. I also need to study properly for these exams. And I need to learn how to turn straw into gold. The last one might be the most easily achieved of these three things.

Mood *grrrr*

One of these days I'm going to make an entry that's not about the boredom of revision or the unfairness of oral exams, but today is not that day.
This is mainly because I don't do anything at all at the moment but look at my books and take exams.
Occasionally I meet with friends for food or a movie but most of the time I'm parked in front of my desk for 17+ hours a day and don't leave the house except to go for walks with the dog or get some groceries.
And this is getting to me, like it is getting to the rest of my classmates. None of us eat properly, or move enough (or at all) and at least I am full of energy and bone tired at the same time. Mentally I doubt that there is anyone who would call me sane - but few would have done so before, so that might not be the best indicator of stress.

Luckily, the end is getting closer. Until then, entries like this will have to prove that I'm actually alive and have not yet smashed my head in with my texts about all the laws concerning pharmacological substances and animals (which I couldn't do anyway, because all of those texts are pdfs on my laptop and not actual books).

Mood restless

Most important: I hope all of you had a good start into the new year and wish you all the best for 2006

And now, the reason for the subject line.

Dear arse of a neighbour:

if you call someone at 2 am on the first of January to tell them their music is too loud and the person has
a) obviously been asleep before you called and
b) tells you there is no loud music here,
the right thing to do is not to call them again four hours later (just when they've managed to fall asleep again because being awakened in the first 10 minutes after falling asleep messes with their sleep patterns) to ask if they've got permission for all that noise.

Though, if you wanted someone to scream at you, hang up on you and plot your death for the next few days, you've certainly achieved your goal.

And FYI: The neighbours one house over were having a party. Yes, the music was loud. But since it was Silvester, noise doesn't stop me from sleeping if I'm tired and you had just woken me up, I did not feel like telling you that.

Have a nice day. And if your phone starts ringing in the middle of the night, I have nothing to do with it. Really. Would I lie to you?

Otherwise New Year's Eve was nice and quiet after I'd managed to send the family off but I didn't get anything done anyway (as usual), the calender switching over forced me to realize that it's only five days until the next exam (Wah!) and I should start on my list of things that need to be done before I drive back to Leipzig tomorrow instead of reading my flist or updating.
Same old, really.

Mood awake

They've just started the music to keep the masses they want to form the "world largest national team" (in celebration of the final draw for the FIFA World Cup) entertained.

It's even louder than the Stones' concert last year. But then, a set of boxes is standing more or less right in front of house this time.

And now they're talking. Can I have the music back please?

That's better. Not by much, but I'll take what I can get.

ETA:Turning down the basses a bit would be nice.
And I could definitely do without the T-Com sound at this volume.

Another edit: At least my car is safe behind the ... portaloos/portapottys (? That's what google tells me. Though I liked "turdis" as well) they've put up.

Mood grumpy
Music An interesting mix. At the moment a techno-remix of "San Francisco" I think

I wish people would realize that snow doesn't magically turn off the laws of physics.
Driving carefully is a good thing. But less than 30km/h? Get off the road!
*grumblemumblegrumble*

Today was the first of the set of seven final exams.
I should probably care much more that I failed it than I do. But that's the reason I failed in the first place - working up any interest in milk hygiene just seemed like too much work.
No more excuses like that, I don't really want to resit more than one just because I'm so very, very lazy. The fact that the next on the list is food hygiene doesn't bode well for that resolution, though.
*grumblemumblegrumblesomemore*

And I'm counting the days until I get the dog to my parents'. I love the stupid animal but at the moment he's very annoying and I migh just throw him against a wall if he'd stay.

Mood guilty

If I've only been suspecting it before, after the last three days I'm 100% sure: I don't want to work as an equine vet. I'm not very interested in other large animals either, but horses are the worst.

I don't mind the four-hourly colic checks or carrying around 30-40 kg of infusion, it's the standing around, doing nothing that gets me. Which is ridiculous because I quite happily stood in the theatre doing nothing for hours in the small animal hospital.

I just don't care about horses. I can't help but feel that they've but two types of problems - either they're lame or they have colics - and even though I *know* there are myriads of reasons for these two things, I just can't work up an interest.

Bah. I think it only adds to my problem that there isn't a central place where students can find out what will be done on a day, so it depends on your luck if you'll spend two hours holding a mare's tail or assisting during surgery.

At least the three guys on ICU this week are nice. And one of them just cooked a nice meal for all of us. However, this doesn't mean that working in pairs and therefore having to adjust my working speed won't get a whiny mention.

</whine>

In other news, I've started to make some plans for the five days of free time after I finish here, my English is getting worse every day and I just realized that my next exam (that I haven't yet studied for of course) is in forty days.

Now, to get some sleep and hopefully wake up in a better mood. But as I just noticed, my mood isn't all that bad, as long as I'm not bored.

I hate getting up when it's dark, I really hate it.
Back to trying to memorize different techniques to tie a knot.

Mood grumpy
Music The sound of the city waking up

I really don't want to drive home today. It's nice at my parents and I have DSL - whatever more could I want? But no, it's back to working and learning and complaining every day about my life. Now that I think about it I kind of like going home. I just would like it so much more not having to drive there - someone invent beaming please?

Mood blah

Ridiculous Ramblings, Really

Vita brevis, ars longa, occasio praeceps

I wonder if working in a hazmat suit would help...

Time to kick myself in the butt again.

And another complaint:

headdesk Yes, I'm aware of my social incompetence, thank you very much

I really dislike that hormone/pheromone combination

Godot would probably be here sooner

Arghl. World mad. Me crazy.

The owner of this brain can't be reached right now. Please leave a message.

It's just snow. I promise it doesn't bite.

This is a personal pep talk. Full of self-praise and overconfidence. Please ignore.

Some days getting up is just a bad idea.

How can just thinking make you this tired? After 6 months of this, I still don't know the answer.

A new year that starts with thoughts of murder promises to be ... interesting.

Going-ons on the street

A bit of grumbling

Just kill me now - or let me go back to the small animals.

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