Ridiculous Ramblings, Really

I think I should make this update now, because I have a feeling that as soon as I go back to work, the whole point of it might dissapear.

The last few days I've been amazed that I felt ... content with my lot in life. Mellow. Generally good.
I've worked my shift on Good Friday without ripping anyone's head of. I haven't thought about becoming a hermit for over a week. I'm still crushing a bit on the Stupid Crush, but accept it and deal with it and don't see it as the end of the world. I still have no clue what I'm going to do in five months time, but I'm not panicking, but thinking whatever happens, I'm just going to roll with the punches.

And that's not some strange new kind of behaviour, it's how I used to behave and feel all the time.

Given the fact that I've been grumpy and whiny and generally pissed off constantly for a couple of months now, I don't think that this is caused by anything hormonal. I rather think it's the clinic. Thinking back, I've barely been away from there for the occasional two day weekend at the most since last summer.
The last two weeks I've been only there seven times and only four of them for longer than two hours. Instead I've been home and working on my diss, which hasn't fazed me unexpectedly much (it's a diss, making me want to tear my hair out is a requirement).
I think this was really healthy.

I love my work and I love my colleagues, but the atmosphere at the clinic is close to toxic.

And now I'll have to go back there. Ave Caesar, mori turi te salutant I guess.
But I'm going to try and hold on to this contentment as long as possible. There has to be a way to do that. After all, my role in life is being the sensible one, not the drama queen.

I have to drive back to Berlin today. But I don't want to.
Not so much because I want to stay here and do nothing - which I of course do - but because I fear that after I leave here today, I'm not going to see Kuno alive again.

He is an old dog now, and - especially if you haven't seen him for a while - you really notice it. And I'm fine with that, I've had pets all my live and I'm used to them growing old and dying at some point.
But I've always been there for that. If they were euthanised I held them until they were dead. If they died naturally (not many did, because even when I could not yet do it myself, I've felt that being able to stop them from suffering was a good thing. And while putting animals down it is not a *nice* part of my job, I still think it is mostly a *good* part and wouldn't give it up for anything.) I was there on their last days.

And that was mostly for my generations of rats, none of which lived longer than three years. Kuno is nearly ten now (which wouldn't be much of an age for a medium-sized dog like, for example, Cora but simply is for a larger dog like him) and has been with me since he was 3 months. And while Cora has been the family dog most of the time, Kuno is *mine*. He's been with me the whole five years in Leipzig. He's been with me even before I went to Uni. And while he has been staying with my family more in the last year (some of my neighbours don't like him and the three stairs up to my flat aren't the best for his joints either) and is happy here, he is still my dog.

Now, being a Doberman, he has a good chance of just keeling over dead at some point (they tend to have heart troubles) and while I know this would be the best way for him to go, I don't have to *like* it. I just really don't want him to die without being by his side.
Oh well, even if I don't like it, I'll have to suck it up.
(But at least I can complain about it in my LJ. That's what it's there for after all)

I've been antsy for the last few days. Not really surprising, since I've done no real exercise in the last year. I've been biking, running, swimming and hitting&kicking the air when I felt like it, but nothing like regular training.
I see this as one of the reasons I'm so exhausted lately (it might not sound logic, but believe me, it does make sense).
This morning I woke up with an urge to do gymnastics. This is definitely silly.

I was never good at gymnastics - apart from being built like a tank, I have all the grace of a rhino, which is not at all conductive to presenting an exercise - but I've always had fun. (I practiced once a week for nearly 18 years, starting when I was 2 1/2). I wasn't too bad at learning all the skills we could safely do in our gym (which were really just the basics). Mainly because I refused to let myself be afraid of anything even after I'd hurt myself (I've always been stubborn).
I cannot make it look good.
And right now I still want to do cartwheels and rolls on the balance beam, flip over the vault, do some shoulder-stands/rolls on the parallel bars (What? So it's only used in men's competition, why should I care?), rotate around the uneven bars and even just look silly on the floor (not that I don't look silly doing the other stuff too, but on the floor, it's always been the worst).[And yes, I put this paragraph here, so I had a reason to look up all those terms in English. I'm procrastinating what else am I supposed to do?]

This is bad, because there is no way to do this stuff anywhere but in a properly equipped gym. And I doubt I can find one that will just let me use the stuff for a few hours for fun.

I take this as a sign that I need to start training regularly again. No matter what, just regular exercise. Until I know if I'll be staying here after the exams, it's probably of no use to find a taekwon-do class again, but I should manage some hyong (or something like it) at least twice a week.
And when I'm next visiting my parents, I'm going to check in on C. during one of the trampoline courses and ask if I can use the floor while they are busy. Should be a good test if I'm finally over that ridiculous crush as well.

At the moment I'm waiting for a friend to call and tell me about her exam, tomorrow morning to come so I can find out at which clinic my exam will take place and my mother to call and tell me if my sister has a brain tumour.

The fact that I'm most worried about the exam just shows that I'm not good with emotional responses. Not only dealing with them (I suck at offering comfort. Crying people make me wave my hands vaguely in their direction and say things like "Don't cry") but also actually having them.

I like my sister, but there's nothing I can do about her. But where my exam is going to take place will have an immediate effect on me. And if they would tell me *now* I could react right now.

Patience isn't my strong suit. Fatalistic acceptance and emotional detachment rather are. Or they might be flaws that make me unfit to call myself a human being. The jury's still out on that.

How crazy am I? I don't have online friends, I would never tell my RL friends about this - and I still wanted a LJ Well, I used to speak to 'empty' chatrooms, so I guess writing a LJ no one reads isn't too bad.